4.11.2006

today, it's all about me


when does the desire for personal space cross the line to become antisocial behavoir?

as much as i blush with joy at the notion that there are people out there, some who are complete strangers, who would take the time to come back and read my ramblings... the attention is a double-edged sword. i'm flattered, i really am. flattered that there are people who are interested for one reason or another, flattered that the random bored stranger decided to linger for a moment longer or that a long lost friend takes the time to blog-hop despite a hectic busy schedule.. just to check up, you know =)

what stinks is the lack of freedom. i hate being caged up.. i'm sure many of us delight in having some form of freedom. identities try to be hidden as i dredge up rants and sometimes embarrasing snippets of the daily drudgeries but sometimes, it just gets a bit tiring. i've always seen my blog as my venting space, my haven for keeping me sane in this crazy world. a place where i can scribble down my thoughts and not care what others think, to be unafraid of being judged. things have pretty much stayed this way since the inception of this blog with the exception of odd blips scattered here and there.

i refuse to password certain personal entries, i refuse to make entries only accessible to certain people. i refuse to be shackled by fears of misconceptions and assumptions, of relinquishing the freedom that comes with laying claim to one's own blog. i'd like to think of myself as a wysiwyg person - what you see is what you get, for all the non-geeks out there. so don't think too much about entries i write. stop asking me if a certain entry is referring to you. you will know without a shadow of a doubt if i'm talking about you. i'll make sure of that, even if your name wasn't mentioned. if you need to ask, chances are that it wasn't about you.

i'm here for my friends, i'm here if you need me but please leave me the hell alone if you don't. i'm not some guardian angel sent to keep track of everything happening in everyone's life - gawd knows i need help keeping mine from derailing.

yes, G.. that phone call sparked off this post and i'm sorry you caught me in a pissy mood. this blog is my outlet, a blank slate ready to accept anything and everything i write with the "publish post" button... one that doesn't judge, one that doesn't care. i'm sure you have a sanctuary like that somewhere and i'm sorry i'm not in the picture.

maybe i've already crossed the line to the land of the selfish bitches. i guess i could always blame pms but the truth is, i'm fed up with a lot of this being taken for granted thing and i'll be perfectly happy being the proverbial bitch at this point. just because one listens doesn't mean one listens for a lifetime. just because one cares doesn't mean one is willing to die for the cause.

i'm tired. it's the 2nd day of this bloody obs/gyn rotation. i'm trying really hard not to let this whole repeating thing get to me but it's tiring holding a brave front, greeting tutors who've taught you just 5 months ago and trying to ignore their curious stares as to why you're back again before literally seeing the lightbulb of realization flash past their eyes. i'm stuck with someone who lacks social skills so badly he would put a drunk pebble to shame. he's presenting the student seminar with me next week. his reputation precedes him so much that every consultant he's come into a 5mile radius of has run for cover at the first sign of his approach. worse than those silent farts, i tell you. i have last week's laundry piled on top of my bed in a heap. the comforter's piled on top of that and when night comes, i clamber onto that mountain of cloth and drift off to sleep. my sink is overflowing with dishes. the trash resides in a temporary shopping bag for i haven't gotten to putting a garbage bag in the trash can yet. i need to do a second load of laundry but the dryers have yet to be fixed since they broke down over a month ago. i need to pack for a weekend trip down to sydney. the wacom's being a pain in the butt... the pen's too sensitive. i can't find my 3rd year notes, yet i've already promised someone i'll pass them my past year papers. i hate breaking promises. that seminar with mr lacking social skills is next thursday, no seminar plan let alone powerpoint in existence yet. i've been living off microwave dinners and takeouts since coming back from perth. i don't like any of this at all, that's not me... but apparently it now is.

i'm truly sorry for being curt and antisocial, but can you please try to understand that i need my own space, my own time. that i need to sort out my own head and my own life before i can even start to tackle someone else's. =(

i needed to vent, apologies if i scared any of you.. my bark's worse than my bite (or was it the other way around o.0)

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