ka*ching

you know that some things change over the years to take you by surprise when you next rediscover them. nobody told me that the cost of living was one of them. been furniture hunting and apartment stocking for the past five days. atrocious i tell you. three planks of wood stuck together to make an upside-down U as a table sells for at least AU$140. they go up to $700 for purdy sturdy wood stained dark chocolate brown. madness!!

all was going well until i came to the curtains. the landlord absolutely refuses to install curtains. his reason was that he had to take care of the 15 other units he owns in the building. ok. so it was up to me to find some curtains. two different quotes both averaged 1.5k ... dude!! one and a half grand for flaps of cloth! *sigh* there has to be a cheaper alternative...

haven't even gotten to the phone connected yet, let alone internet. that alone'll be three hundred bucks for a new line that i'm going to get the landlord to pay for. or try to.. *drums fingers*

on a better note.. but still on the topic of moolah ~ i started my shopping spree for charity. managed to sneak in a skateboard in the budget too =D annnd... my digital piano and rental appliances arrived today! appliances weren't ideal ~ well the fridge is too small for the space and i got individual washer/dryer units rather than the LG all in one washer/dryer i had originally wanted to rent. bummer for not being employed ~ they can't rent me brand new appliances. hmph. anyway, here's my haul ~ dropping it off next week!

get back in pandora's box

i can't decide whether it's the lack of information or pollution from the immediate environment that's the problem. mebbe a bit of both. that whole child's play concept, donating to the kiddie ward... i ran that by my mom. after all, it's their moolah i'm about to go on a shopping spree on. man, i should've written down the order of how i was gonna pitch the whole thing. you could hear her go quiet as soon as she heard the word "online" as i was trying to explain what child's play was about. not even a nanosecond was spared. as soon as i finished with how dstore.com.au had their own wishlist for two aussie hospitals so people could buy donations online, she was like "these online people can be scammers" *faints* i hadn't even gotten to the point of it all yet and that it had nothing to do with online shopping!

it took a lot of self control to stop a tirade of frustrated nagging from being unleashed. admitedly, she has no idea what dstore is. she who opens all sorts of attachments and then promptly trashes all emails from people she doesn't know after i tell her attachments need to be filtered for viruses. bottom line is that she doesn't trust any online transactions.. well anything electronic for that matter. "they install code grabbers at the atm you know... they have hidden cameras and mirrors to pick up your pin number at the atm you know... they can duplicate your credit card you know... don't give out your birthday, they can steal your identity with that you know... destroy your bank statements, they could steal your bank account with that you know... don't give out any personal info over the phone, they may not be who they say they are you know... " and the paranoia never ends. dude, there's this thing called common sense you could use, you know. *sigh*

everything seems to be a scam through her eyes but i also get that. there are way too many scams in taiwan but then again, there are way too many naive people to con. sadly, i lump my parents in that group. it's embarrassing sometimes when my mom cuts salespeople short of their schpiel at the point of being a rude bitch because she's already got it in her head that it's a scam. other times, she gets suckered into the most ridiculous things.. like buying me a mini-iron that's safe enough to use on a person when one is wearing the particular piece of clothing needing to be de-wrinkled. wtf. no way am i gonna let her come at me with some miracle iron and plonk it on the shirt i was wearing like she did a few months back.. i yelled bloody murder.

*shakes head* she's a walking talking (basket)case of underexposure and a trapped shopaholic screaming to be unleashed... my dad just shakes his head and still refuses to trust anything online after you've spent the past hour explaining all the security features implemented and how the site is legal and clean... and my parents wonder why i don't tell them everything.

hurry up, tomorrow!

sitting alone here in my messy room does funny things to oneself. i got the green light today from both the year 4 and 5 year managers and the prof himself with regards to the exam board meeting this morning. "you've passed comfortably in all components and wasn't even discussed at the meeting. congratulations!" was what the prof said over the phone. finally. despite this, i'm still meeting him after results are officially released to see what went right this time around and why it took me so long to do so. i wanna know why i wasted nearly a whole year on the bloody subject, dammit.

so anyway.. still awaiting news on my application for the apartment. fingers crossed for that still. can't wait to start the shopping and the decorating! can't wait to start calling up the various utilities and compare broadband prices between companies. joy oh joy alright. something else i can't wait for may sound completely crazy but it's something i just feel like doing. something in line with the christmas spirit. at first, i wanted to get kaleidoscope involved with this toy drive stemming from child's play but i think i may have to stash the plans until next christmas. time's not on my side with this one. thought of doing something similar for the kids in the kiddie wards who will be there on christmas eve and christmas day by myself but i don't know what i'm dealing with and if it'd be really weird to approach M about it, or if he was the right person to approach in the first place. so then there's the salvo's christmas appeal that i thought would be fun. i mean, money aside.. how fun would it be to go on a shopping spree with a fixed amount of dollars at toys r us! never mind that i won't be playing with any of the things i buy, but still... it's all the more sweet to imagine the smiles the knick knacks will hopefully bring to some kiddie this christmas. i was gonna donate money and stuff, but if imma be spending the same amount of dollars.. why not have fun at the same time instead of merely sending in a check or clicking a donate button online? i need to make some phone calls tomorrow to see which plan would work and how... *rubs hands in glee*

i haven't completely lost the plot, have i?
and if i haven't.. would anyone like to go on my shopping spree with me?

stagnant

this is gonna be one of those entries that don't make sense and i'm trying to work out my thoughts as i type. you've been warned.

i wouldn't have expected to find myself feeling that a weekend was too long to get through. it's sunday afternoon and what am i doing? sitting here in my mess of a room watching episodes of grey's anatomy season 3. i would've expected to have a grand ol' time with a quiet afternoon to go through an entire season of grey's ... or to start from season 1 but strangely enough, i already feel sick after watching 3 episodes in a row. i mean, it could be the lack of food. haven't eaten anything all day and couldn't even manage to finish a box of arnott's premier chunky triple chocolate cookies. that would usually be devoured within the hour or two. i'm not hungry tho. there's an emptiness somewhere here *points to somewhere under my sternum* it kinda hurts in dull non-specific sorta way. i don't know why =( i'm such a cristina in that regards.

the ordeal seems to be over. i was told to go relax this weekend, that i should be fine but to call the prof back after the exam board officializes the results on tuesday. i should be relieved, no? i should be out there celebrating but i think it's been a pyrrhic victory. yes, i consolidated way more obgyn knowledge than i could ever have imagined, or wanted to. i finally got around to putting away all the notes and scribbles i've made these past 9 weeks at 3am in the morning just because there was nothing else to do. i didn't feel like cleaning up the rest of my room and i didn't feel tired or sleepy. most of all, there was nothing to do on sunday. my usual timesinks aren't appealing ~ ebay, thinkgeek, random flash games and mmorpgs. kinda screams geek, i know. i prefer the term nerdette. half the time, i end up having a shopping cart full of knick knacks and then closing the page but even window shopping online's not enough to make this blandness go away.

ever since the obgyn saga began with the release of results back in june, i've been trying to diagnose myself with depression but i don't fulfill all the official criteria. i can't even squeeze into the depressive disorder category. i merely get random days or a few moments here and there where things take a turn for the worse. tears get dried, something else needs to get done and all's well until the next time something hits too close to home or i come across another trigger. maybe this is the drama queen in me checking in.. i just don't feel as happy as i think i'm supposed to. instead, i've learnt not only oodles of obgyn but to also distrust people until i see it with my own eyes.. or until i crash and burn. like i said.. a donut of a victory.

and now, summer break's begun. all i want to do is to find a new place so i can start packing up and moving. i don't know why i'm in such a rush. there's a place i really want to see, but the broker's been a bit of a ditz. hasn't called back when she promised and the works. thought to give her some time and didn't call on friday like i was dying to. tenant's vacating premises tomorrow so i thought monday wasn't too unreasonable to call instead. i can't wait for monday. that's all i'm thinkin about now, especially after surveying the market and paraphernalia required for equipping a new pad with A yesterday.

i hate inactivity. i hate having nothing to do. i don't noe if i like being busy and run off my feet for the adrenaline rush and endorphins or if it's my way of running away from something i haven't quite yet figured out. lectures usually bore me ~ i sit there with nothing to do and by the time 20 mins is up, so is my attention span. 20 minutes is my max, as very unprofessionally measured since junior high days at buckley. i've got proof in the back cover of my spanish text as i scribbled down "20 mins more!! =(" to a friend at the time. i'm usually falling asleep by then if i'm not shoving my mouth full of twix bars and gummy snakes.

*sigh* seems like i'm never happy with what i've got eh?

do you know what i know?

i know it's not quite december yet but if the shopping center decor's anything to go by, christmas started in august after the massive end-of-the-financial-year sales. sooo.. it's ok to start the barrage of carols =) *starts humming*

for some odd reason, that particular song's been stuck in my head. been working on the xmas card exchange thingie for a few of the rbj people who've signed up too. i miss making a mess of my room and myself, burning myself with the glue gun and walking around oblivious to glitter that people point out two days later. never been good as a doodler.. never knew what to doodle! i don't know what you'd call this little finger itch of mine i periodically get. i wouldn't term it as craftsy. the closest thing i can come up with would be urm.. 3D-doodling? tonight's session was good =) not as therapeutic as it could've been because even tho exams are over, i still feel the weight of what-ifs hanging around. tummy's still in knots even though i know fully well it won't change a thing.

bleah. here i am, happily glowing from knowing that i've finished the exchange cards that nobody else can see until the recipients get 'em... happily glowing from knowing that i'm pretty sure A will like, or at least one aspect of her x'mas prezzie i got a few months back and anticipating smiles from both of the above (i hope!)... yet i wonder if i'm the only one with a sly grin. today's the day after the exams. results should be known by now, even if they haven't been collated. i wonder if the Prof's been sitting in his office today also happily glowing from knowing that i'll like what he knows regarding my exam results too. man, i sure hope so.

ova!!

 forgive my corniness...  can't help but exuberantly exclaim that the nightmare's ova ova ova!! .....for now. *plays jaws music* =P even with the last i'll be seeing of obgyn (fingers crossed), there had to be a parting shot or two. just so that obgyn will forever be memorable. you know, because it's a specialty that i'll all too easily forget about. ahhuh. 

so the osces were today. thank goodness for little miracles. the official osce roster was uploaded last tuesday after verbal confirmation the friday before. i double checked arrival times last night, only to find that my name had magically decided to migrate to a different page altogether. not even a stray pixel could be seen. instead of showing up at 1pm, i was supposed to be showing up at 10.30am. thank you dear department secretary FOR LETTING ME KNOW. seriously, you can only imagine the awful situation had i shown up at 1pm today. "sorry dear, i'm afraid we're going to have to fail you again because we can't set up another round of osces just for one student and it was your fault for not checking the roster" ooh, that would've been a jolly sight for everyone present. you would've seen me scrunch up my face into something much more foul than draco malfoy's sneer at mudbloods.

apparently, the secretary said she had sent out 2 emails, one asking for a confirmatory reply indicating i agreed to the time swap. she had apparently called and left a message on my answering machine. "oh but it's on the computer upstairs. it'll tell you the time i sent it and the time the email was received. and i've called your phone before and gotten through so it must've been the right number i called" she explained. bullshit. too tired to call her bluff. i felt like saying
"look lady, i would have needed to click some sort of confirmation of receipt for you to know that i received your emails, let alone the time of receipt. how the hell would you know when i received your emails when i haven't received them? as for the phone calls, you forget that this happened during the appeals fiasco when you claimed you left msgs on my answering machine that i never got, let alone any indication of missed calls on my cell yet you have the gall to sit there and tell me it's my fault?!"

assuming it was my fault. i'll be nice here lady. assuming that you were oh so competent and did all that you claim to have.. how can you just assume i've received and agreed to the time swap, especially when you hadn't received any sort of communication or confirmation from me when the clock struck knocking-off time the day before the exams? really... no, i mean really. how the hell do you do your job?

*deep breaths, deep breaths..*

exam board meets on tuesday to finalize results. will get unofficial word via email by the end of the week as to whether i'll be needing to deal with the airhead again. if it comes to that, she'll be the least of my worries. anyway, the exams are over and done with. nothing much to do except hope that i didn't screw up! thank you for all the torrents of well-wishes and good luck in all their forms ~ they're all being put to good use! =)

weekend worrywart

instead of cramming my head full of images of uterine prolapses and bloody obstetric emergencies, the thing that's at the top of my worry list as the weekend approaches would be my french onion soup. you heard right.. my homemade soup. it bubbled. after i took it outta the microwave, after it cooled down... the vat of soup was making awful glug sounds much akin to that of your nearest swampy bog. on its own, undisturbed.

i was so disturbingly fascinated i had to plop it down on the kitchen counter and just watch it. wouldn't have been surprised if like a mini Creature from the Black Lagoon slowly slopped its way out or something. half an hour later, it's still emitting little glug glub sounds on it's own every so often.

another worry that shouldn't yet be a worry would be apartment hunting. already lined up a few places to see the morning after exams ~ can't wait!

on a more sober note, i found out yesterday that a friend i've never met.. one that lived across the the pacific... he died at the age of 23 three weeks ago. found dead in his dad's house from diabetic complications. i didn't really ask for details but even just that one line of "related to his diabetes" curdled my stomach into a tight knot. i had last heard from him by email not even 3 months ago. i'm not saying that i'm some important person who needs to know the matters of the world, but it's slightly unnerving to realize that i was carryng on with my daily activities that day he died, alone. it made his life.. and his death seem so inconsequential in a way and that bit saddens me. what also makes the knot in my tummy tighter would be knowing that he passed away alone. "he was found dead" i was told. what an awful way to go.

i'm assuming things here but if it was a diabetes related death, i'm thinking along the lines of him going into DKA, diabetic ketoacidosis. he's 23, he likes his alcohol now and then, he hasn't had the easiest of times.... but still, he's had to control his diabetic condition and despite numerous previous episodes of drunken binges and such, he was still fine. it made it all the much worse, that this one time of carelessness became something fatal, if that was the case. i just sat there thinking "if only someone had been there!" when our mutual friend broke the news. i guess it's pompous of me but i couldn't help but think "if only *i* had been there" (as if that would've been much good.. at least i would've been able to call 911). and then the next thought was "but i haven't even got the chance to visit yet!!" followed by "but it was such a preventable thing!" such was my train of thought, selfish as it may be with fulfilling me first

"he's in a better place" i was told.. and i do believe that. i know that i get to see the cycle of life and death at the hospitals and this is yet another instance of it all. i just can't believe he's gone just like that. the silver lining is that the group of friends he grew up with.. my bears, have reconciled their recent differences and this has brought them back together, if only temporarily. it's nice to hear that all of them spent the night after the funeral "living it up in A's name, for he would've liked that". rest in peace, zavebi... i'm sorry to hear you had to go and i hope you know that i'm not the only one that misses you. rest in peace.

war of the worlds meets dune

i remember first picking up that thick first volume of the Dune series when it was still a trilogy with trepidation. All these weird terms, all those worms and spice traders.. those scary blue eyes and the Fremen... i remember being slowly drawn into those foreign sandy worlds and in my mind, i had imagined myself as an omnipresent being partaking in the adventures outlined in black and white. i had hidden behind various pillars and shadows as consipiracies were plotted. i had looked up at the vast orange desert sky and pulled my robes tighter around me as night settled in. i loved the set *gush*

many years later, i can't decide if someone had merged our world with that of the books or whether it was just plain the end of the world with the fire and brimstone as predicted. i'm half expecting showers of flaming rocks to fall or another helping of hail. same thing really.

i first picked up the unmistable scent of something burning but had thought it was some idiot at the bbqs who forgot they were cooking a meal. then i heard the wind pick up and started to silently will the skies to stay continent.. to hold back the hailstones. the wind didn't subside nor did the smokey air clear so i drew back my curtains and was greeted with this.



it's not everyday you see an orange landscape! i had forgotten about my dinner that wasn't chocolate (for once!) and had started to splutter and cough by then, wondering if this was how i was gonna die and if someone was gonna declare the cause of death as smoke inhalation. and then my mind started to wander and of all the things, backdraft sprung into mind. not scenes of the firefighters battling the blazes in the blue mountains....

my poor little hepa air filter was working overtime and it still couldn't get rid of the choking smell. i called up A for some moral support as one does when one is convinced one's gonna suffocate to death you know... and what a brilliant idea she had! i couldn't stop grinning myself silly as i recalled how i much i scoffed and protested at being sent a stack of N95 masks by my gramps a few years ago during the SARS scare. hehehe, thank you gramps! i'll eat my words, lol. those masks do work and tho i felt like an idiot walking around the room in it, it kept me from coughing and spluttering like an antique car.

in the meantime, i tried to flip on the tv for some news flash regarding the situation here but all that was on was the bold and the beautiful. you can see 'em in the tv behind me *sigh* so i sat around snapping pictures instead, trying to catch the awesome fork lighting that was zapping some poor unfortunate piece of grass faraway. after a while, things turned really odd... the wind died down and everything suddenly cleared. the sky turned really bright...

and then i saw it. i thought it was the sun. a glowing ball of red. red i tell you. i kid you not. admittedly, we're on summer time and it's still plausable that the sun doesn't set til 6 or 7pm but this was like brightness you'd expect at 2pm, not 6.30pm. the red sphere was creepily mesmerizing and had it been a shade of purple, it would've been slightly dejavu-ish ofthat scene when the purple people eater came to earth. i tried to capture it but couldn't figure out the settings to do it properly. the photo turned out grainy if i captured the red sun that A correctly pointed out to be the moon. you'll have to use your imaginations on this one and convert the white glowing ball of light into a disco red sphere ya?

all's back to normal and it literally is the calm before the storm. means back to trying to study for next week's exams i guess. argh. there's still the eerie orange glow left over as a reminder of the thunderstorm warning issued for our area tonight. *crosses fingers there won't be hailstones for my chooq's sake*

because imma bratty only child...

this is for all those times i couldn't come up with an example of why i get so frustrated when i have an interrogation conversation with my dad. how do you break the news to someone that you're no longer five fricking years old and you no longer are daddy's girl?

i know it's mean but for my own sake, i need to document it down so i can refer back to this later and recall how frustrated i get when i talk to him. it'll also be a reminder of what a bitch i was and act as fuel for future regrets of not spending enough time with him or not taking the time to sort things thru.

anyway. so, he calls up... "helloo ay-mee!" he says in the same singsong voice he greeted my 6 year old cousin with when he walked outta the arrival gates at the airport. wtf.
*grumbles a hi*
"so how's the studying going? do you feel like you've prepared much better than last time? more time to consolidate and understand things this time around?"
"no" i flatly say somewhere between his barrage of questions.
meanwhile, he's still continuing on from "...this time around? yes righ- ...huh?? no?? you don't feel more prepared than last time??"
"no."

and he leaves it at that and begins to ask me what i have for breakfast. "it varies" i say. "well you need to eat warm stuff for breakfast you know. things like oatmeal is good. do you eat oatmeal?" "no" "you have to eat breakfast, it's the most important meal of the day!" "i noooooooeeeeeeeee" i'm gnashing my teeth at this point.

"so has your mom called you?" he continues, either ignoring my irate tone of voice or completely oblivious to it..
"ya"

forgive me for getting on my soapbox that's resting on my high horse. i hate pointless questions. i really don't care who's asking them. could be the dalai lama for all i care but i'll still maintain that pointless questions are a waste of breath. what good was that question about if my mom called or not? what, is he gonna call up my mom to chastise her for not calling me if i had said no? and when i said yes, what was he gonna do... call up my mom and acknowledge she called? will she get a congrats for doing so? if any of you could see the point in that question besides fishing for stuff to say and prolonging the torture, do point it out to me. i seem to have missed the point.

i mean seriously. it's bad enough he's answering his own questions. it's worse when he assumes answers on my behalf. yes, it's mean but i give a flat out monosyllable "no" for the shock value and to close any door leading to any further conversation. really. i don't want to talk to someone who's got the convo all planned out in their head and merrily assumes my answers until they're halted in mid-delusion because they didn't hear what they expected to hear.

*sigh* couldn't help myself. had to gripe. thank goodness for this rant-sponge. if anyone has any ideas or counsellors to recommend for bettering a father-daughter relationship that's as murky as the one i'm in.. i'm imploring you in all earnestness to please drop me a line.