anger management

One big convoluted thought process led me to this particular thought that made me lose my train of thought.. that I cannot understand, but will always appreciate my mom not losing her cool this one particular time. It was so long ago, I can't even remember what sparked the whole incident. I vaguely remember being very upset, in my pajamas, with an equally upset mom. My dad was in Burma at the time. For some reason that I still can't fathom, my mom had me write a letter to my dad to air my grievances and she faxed it over to him in Burma. I can't even remember if my dad replied by fax or phone call, or replied at all, but the letter-writing was therapeutic in itself. I calmed down enough to go back to sleep. Back then, I thought my mom was an evil stepmother witch of a character and looked at her every so often with a look of distrust. Twenty-odd years later, I can exuberantly exclaim.. what an awesome mom for coming up with such an awesome way to diffuse a kiddie tantrum!

Backtracking a little.. this whole thing stemmed from a particularly frustrating day at work. I KNOW that everyone sympathizes with me and a lot of them get very very mad on my behalf at some of the things I deal with at work that is simply out of my control, but becomes my responsibility to correct anyway. Today was one of those tips of the iceberg that bobbed above the surface. Made me reflect on how I deal with the shitty situations at work, and wonder if there's a better way. At the moment, I take deep breaths and the mini-shit storms pass. Very few disappear like that though. The majority of time, I end up whinging to a sympathetic ear, or to the ear of someone I respect as a colleague or a friend. Sometimes, I get a dose of reality and I suck it up. Most times, I get validation and then, the anger passes. Personally, I worry that at some stage, these people I rely on to vent must surely become sick of my incessant whinges. Incessant not because I like to whinge all the time, but incessant because without fail, there is at least ONE incident on a daily basis that involves me cleaning up someone else's mess.. for the sake of the patient(s). Look, I wouldn't be able to sleep at night knowing that someone was missing their dose of antibiotics, or something important to their treatment, just because I refused to write it up "because my colleague is supposed to do it but didn't, so it's not my problem." So I continue to clean up. And I continue to whinge. 

Obviously, this isn't working out too well. I'm going to one day exhaust any good will and listening ears, or drive my blood pressure so high I bust an artery or something. But is there a better way?

Writing things down used to work for me as a kid. It still does, hence the existence of this blog. Most things are too minor to survive the one-hour drive back and still have enough kick to keep my blood boiling. Not sure what to do for now but it's something to ponder about, I guess. The saving grace is that my numnut colleague will be away for a week or two soon. I'm happier with him gone. I do more work, I'm more tired, but at least if there's shit to clean up, it's my own doing with nobody else to blame. 

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