i think i may want to be a vampire

i'm tired.

i can see this turning into a long tirade, a whingefest with a splash of self pity and doused with attention-whoring so hence, i warn you.

i'm tired.

i really want to have a break. you know it's bad when watching Eclipse unlocks the shackles of daily life and you find yourself wishing you too could become a vampire. or a werewolf. honestly, i'd rather a vampire.. the wolf women ain't as purdy as the vampire women, though the wolf men.. hm. moving on.

so yah, i'm tired. have i mentioned that yet?
i managed to work four out of five days this week. thursday was spent at home trying to overcome chills, aches, fevers and dysuria. i swear i might've come down with pyelonephritis but i've got some antibiotics to give a shot so we'll see how well that goes. antibiotic effectiveness usually is rate-limited by my compliance. i've been good so far - managed 3 doses in a row, yay!

so the other four days of work at the new hospital have been hell. not the fire and brimstone kind. the ant looking in from the wrong side of the clingwrap at a tower of cupcakes kind of hell.
monday was spent re-orientating myself to a hospital that was supposed to be my mothership, but where i haven't worked at for about a year now. that, and sorting out operation lists for the next two weeks that A so kindly did to facilitate change-over, but which promptly went missing as expected. funny how lists only disappear when they belong to whatever team a certain senior of mine is working on. ant-clingwrap-argghhh.

tuesday and wednesday were spent trying hard to keep the bosses happy, especially with double theaters running simultaneously.. and then having to deal with the shit from tweedledee and tweedledum. lying to me to keep me out of the operation, only to be insanely sweet and feign innocence later and then pretend to make up for it by trying to be best buddies watching out for me and getting me to scrub into a later case. AS IF I WAS DONE A FAVOR!! in terms of job description, the resident's main job is to tend to the wards and make sure all's calm before coming into theaters. i know. i did that job last year. A and i both did and therefore, i think we're both justified in feeling frustrated at having OUR resident go behind our backs to ask unsuspecting seniors for permission to scrub in when the senior resident should ALWAYS have priority. after all, my job as the senior resident is to essentially be the third hand - i go wherever the registrars or bosses need me to go, be it clinics or scrubbed into an operation. i'm also supposed to supervise my residents and interns, and make sure the operating lists run smoothly by being the secretary and sorting out paperwork.. and making things happen. my job isn't about wasting time over politics and insecure colleagues who feel they always need to suck up to whoever has the most influence over their life at that particular moment, nor is it to "fight for theater time". honestly!! as someone who supposedly wants to do orthopedics really really badly, my resident sure doesn't get the big picture. at my resident's level, it would be nice to get some operating time but being in the operating theaters 24/7 is not going to make one an orthopedic surgeon. there are other things to learn and see; other things like outpatient fracture and bosses' clinics to review post-op patients and their recovery, managing patients on the ward and learning how to prioritize and organize one's day so that one actually HAS the time to come into theaters without being paged every 15 minutes.

honestly, i've had it up to here. (try to imagine amy standing on her tippy toes with her arm stretched above her head). the worst part is.. it's only my first week. 3 more months with double trouble. three. ant-clingwrap-argggghhhh!!

that being said, hell if i'm taking this lying down.
mind you, i'm a more timid type.. or maybe just being taurean. slow to anger, but once you tip me past boiling point.. watch out!! right now, i'm still just boiling. slowly. so for now, everything's simmering and a few bubbles pop here and there. like when i pulled rank to scrub into a trauma case despite my resident being there all bright and shiny in those ridiculous looking lead gowns we all have to wear. the thing was, he wasn't even CLOSE to the level of being able to do the case, yet none of the registrars had put on their gowns yet. talk about pre-empting. so yah, i pulled rank. i scrubbed in, he didn't. he got the shits and left before the boss did. it didn't help that the boss remembered my name after working with him for only one term last year. do you know how HARD it is to recognize someone when they're all covered in theater caps with a huge mask over their face?? man, i was impressed. the boss not only recognized me, he REMEMBERED me. gobsmacked.

or when i got sidelined again today - it happens on a daily basis. i had to pull my senior registrar aside and explain the situation. he was nice enough, he understood. it's not hard to understand when one of the tweedles argues with you in theater, refuses to help you when you don't do things his way and lies to you about your boss insisting that he does the operation - what an insult to have that come from someone your junior. for goodness sakes, my senior registrar was already a consultant in his home country. he came here and to qualify as a boss, they made him do his last 2 years of training again. the guy's going to be a boss two times over and tweedledum has the gall to steal the surgery from him, let alone take shortcuts and then scoff when questioned?

but.. the clincher will ALWAYS be this. i know it's not nice to gloat over someone else's misery. i hardly ever do.. hardly. look, i felt bad enough pulling rank and was steeling myself up to have a chat with my resident to clear the air but before i had the chance, he was doing it again.. going behind my back and scrubbing into a surgery i was supposed to be assisting in. if the guy has no remorse over being an asshole, hell if i'm going to waste my time over an asshole. SO, with a clear conscience, i happily gloat over the greatest clincher of all: the insightless, dangerous, and unstable senior of mine.. the same one that made me fear for my personal safety on his last day as i left the hospital.. this senior of mine got an interview to get onto the orthopedics training program last year and he didn't this year! it's almost unheard of for that to happen. once you start getting interviews, it's a matter of time before you get on the program. he's like.. backtracked. oh ho, but that's not all. all his OTHER colleagues within the two hospitals he's working at, one with one year less experience than he has.. not only did THEY get interviews this year, but they got onto the training program for next year!! man, did that make my day. and P's, my other senior registrar. and A's. and i bet, a hell lot of other people i don't know about that this horrible registrar has scarred in some shape or form. my favorite people from work got on the program like they deserved and restored my faith in the system. it was awesome to be able to scroll through the names and come across so many familiar ones! and at the back of my mind, the devil in me loudly reminding me that tweedledum wasn't listed. that was the icing on the cake.

like P said.. just carry that thought with me for the next three months. it'll see me through, he said. i hope he's right. or else i just might go find me some vampires.


just a few short letters

dear hypocrite,

you surface once again, except this time, you've outdone yourself.

who are you to approach my resident to ask him where I am, and then comment on "oh, she's doing that again to you is she?" when he tells you it's my day off. it's my day off because i was bloody sick with fevers and chills but hey, you never asked and he never said so I'll accept that it's not your fault to jump to conclusions. it's never your fault, is it? it was none of your business to begin with but hey, that's not your fault either.

who are you to proceed and warn my resident to not let me abuse him with my days off? i'm glad my resident SRMO shut you up when he replied that I was sick, and that he felt I deserved my day off and he was gladly covering. who's doing the abusing here, when you were the one leaving him with more than a week's worth of discharge summaries to do when he took over from you? the ward clerks chased you and paged you to do them, you assured us ALL you spent your last week doing nothing but discharge summaries to make the next person's life easier.. and the first thing he complains about is having to do discharge summaries from two weeks ago.

seriously though, the kicker was when you called out to my SRMO as he was leaving ED and told him to please not mention your conversation to me. newsflash hypocrite-person: we've left high school ten years ago, keep up with the times.

worst wishes,


dear desperado,

you are demanding, rude and think you're entitled to everything just because you see yourself as short, cute, helpless and female. you kind of act like those private patients who come to public hospitals thinking they own the hospital and demanding the world and the universe.

that's ok though. i don't have to see you much. i just need to put up with you because you're The Boy's colleague. it's not ok though, to assume that i will drive you and the rest of the lab folks back home after a late games night. i'm happy driving you all home, don't get me wrong. it's on the way, it's late and it's cold. what i'm not happy about was when you got out of my car and thank The Boy by name, but nobody else. I don't expect thanks, but if you are bothering to give thanks, shouldn't you be thanking the driver of the car and not the passenger?

or what about the time the other lab people and i drove you shopping for housewares to help you settle into your new apartment? you bought things that you couldn't carry and didn't fit into your shopping basket. fair enough. it's not fair though, when you bulge your eyes out and leave your mouth agape before making some sort of throat-clearing noise when we all agree that we were done shopping and headed for the cashier. it's not fair that you stared at the back of The Boy as he took my items from my hand and marched off to the cashier and then had the gall to call him back to demand that he carries your purchases for you with a petulant glare and pout.

you have no right expecting someone's fiance to be taking care of your inadequacies. no right at all. so if you feel so short, female and helpless.. go do something about it to make yourself feel better but leave my Boy alone.