what would you do for a klondike bar?

i'd do a lot, especially given the fact that they don't even have klondike bars in this country (not even at usafoods.com) but repeating this is not on the list..

the cast is as follows

  • me as myself

  • P for patient

  • B for blockhead aka patient's daughter

  • and away we go..

    [hospital corridor]
    nurse: B would like to talk to a doctor about her mother

    me: sure
    *turns to B*
    how can i help you? (again, does it not remind you of the retail industry?)

    : I would like to now how my mother is going

    me: she's doing great. they let her weight bear as tolerated on her broken ankle that we've fixed. the operation went well, we had to put in some metal plates and the xrays afterwards show that everything is in the right place. She's been seen by the physiotherapists and if safe, will be going home. If not, she will be going to rehab for more physio. She's doing quite well and we think she might be stable and independent enough by monday with her walking to go back home!

    : She can't go home. I was assured that she was going to rehab. Right from the start. P can't go home.

    : why not? a rehab spot may take weeks to become available. if it takes two weeks to get P to rehab and she is back to her baseline level of function before then, she will be fine at home

    : she can't go home, she needs rehab. she can't manage at home, i won't be there to take care of her all the time and she will be alone at times during the day. who's going to look after her when i'm not around? how will she walk to the toilet? she'll fall down again, she can't go home.

    : i understand that you're worried about how P will function when she goes home but she is being seen by the physiotherapists every day and she will only go home once she is able to walk safely and independently, by herself! if she can't make the cut and needs more help, she's not going home and will go to rehab. she will only go home if she is back to her baseline level of walking and function.

    : Ok. So how long will it take for her to get a rehab bed?

    : ...
    *tries hard not to roll eyes or groan*
    it's hard to say. P is on their waiting list. it could take weeks. she may not need rehab by that time because she is walking too well to need rehab. in that case, she would go home instead.

    : no, but she's not going home.

    : why not?

    : because she can't go home! she's got dementia and psych issues you know

    : ok, how was she like before the fall and fracture? was she at home by herself at times? you weren't there all the time, right?

    : yes, i had to go to work and i do odd shifts

    : well, was P able to manage by herself during that time?

    : yes

    : was she able to go to the toilet by herself when you weren't around before her fall?

    : yes

    : *thinking i've got this in the bag now* so you're telling me she was able to manage and do things by herself before her fall, even when you weren't around right. we aim to get her to the same level as she was before her fall and fracture. when she goes home, she will be able to safely and independently get to the bathroom and do everything else she did before the fall.

    : but she can't go home, she's got the fracture! she can't walk properly and even with the frame.. what if she falls again? no, she can't go home

    : *gnashing teeth by now* that's what i'm trying to tell you!! she WILL be able to walk properly because our physiotherapists would have made sure of that! we will ONLY send P home if she is able to walk the way she did before her fall. the fracture has been fixed now. that's why she. had. the. op.per.ray.shun. we put METAL in there to fix her bones. that's why she is allowed to walk.on.it... because her bones are now strong enough with the metal in place to support.her.full.weight. she will fall when she falls. it is not going to make a difference whether she goes to rehab first before going home, or if she went home straight from the hospital whether she will fall down again in the future.

    : but she's got the fracture and it's not healed properly! she can't walk on it! she can't go home!

    : yes, the bones will take about 6 weeks to heal but the metal plates we put are keeping the pieces in place so they can heal in the right positions. if it wasn't strong enough, the consultant wouldn't have let P put her FULL weight through it. she.can.walk.fine.

    : no, but i was assured right from the start that she would be going to rehab. she can't go home, sheblahblahblahblahblah

    (you get the point. the conversation, if you could call it that, would go on for another 10 minutes in a moebius loop)

    today was the second of such conversations i've had with her.
    the social worker, the occupational therapist and both physiotherapists have had similar conversations with her throughout this week.

    the blockhead made me miss the chance to pick up my mail from the post office. i got there as the roller door scooted its last few inches towards a resounding thud on the ground as the post office closed for the day.

    saying i was irked would be the major understatement of the year.
    wwwwwhhhhhhhhyyy... oh why did evolution miss these fine specimens of the human race?

    sorry, just had to get that out of my system. thanks for tuning in. until next time...!


    The Perfect Patient

    The Perfect Patient (as would only exist in the land of Mary Poppins)

    Wanted: a patient for one adorable doctor

    If you want to be my patient
    Have a cheery disposition
    No nonsense, amaze!
    Complies, all days.

    You must be good, you must be with it
    Proactive and smile a wee bit
    Have some common sense, time will tell
    Listen, don't yell

    Never be coy or linger
    Never you point or wag your finger
    Respect me as your treating doctor
    And never show me all that's under

    If you won't scold and dominate me
    I will never give you cause to hate me
    I won't add more movicol
    So you will poot
    Put blood in your bed
    Or needles in your boot
    Hurry, Patient!

    Many thanks

    Ay El Double Ee.