9.22.2007

passionate inertia

passion. i used to chortle everytime the principal of my secondary school in singapore said it. she said it was one of her favorite words, that it should be in all our vocabularies, that we should all apply it liberally in all we do. mind you, i was 13 and wanting very much to fit into this odd sea of black-haired asians i was supposed to spend the next few years with. obviously, something about our principal struck their funny bone - it was a strange mixture of amusement, embarrassment and a tinge of respect that they held for her. i guess that was the start of becoming a sheep, although i always found myself straying close to gates and fences... or to the black sheep.

anyway, that's what i'm attributing to the lack of entries of late. a lack of passion. lack of passion towards anything really. nothing noteworthy to write about for my own amusement when i reread past entries. sometimes, that gets remedied by attempts at a ditty to summarize what's been happening. even that didn't evoke any twitches of either heart or brain. i think i've whinged more than my fair share about the idiots running the institutions i've had the honor of working with, or will work with. i think i'm just tired.

i'm finally done with med school but seem busier now than when i had classes. i didn't get the buzz most people have on their last day of school. yes, i'm grateful for having left a sort of hell that i've called life for the past 5 or so years but geez, i was practically on vacation for the last rotation of the degree. what an anti-climax.

i thought i would welcome the free time i have to do whatever i want, and still have the luxury of working on my papers willy nilly. i was even ambitious enough to ask for an orthopedic attachment for the next few months. lucky for me, the universe works in mysteriously awesome ways - it gave me the perfect excuse to back out without seeming flippant. being in no-man's land, neither the university of the hospital would be able to cover me insurance-wise should i encounter an accident during the attachment and hence, i couldn't undertake such an attachment. one of the rare times that being a stickler for the rules has actually worked in my favor.

now, these very assignments i've exuberantly taken on seem to have spiraled outta control. so much to do, so little time! papers to draft, papers to re-draft, professors to track down, housing to settle, movers to find, rental contracts to sort, isps to connect and disconnect to, cars to service, cars to clean, mail to check, addresses to change, conferences to attend, fanfic to read, books to read, med books to review, notes to rewrite, piano to tinkle before contract expires, friends to catch up with, trips and weddings to plan and attend... oh, and idiot drivers to curse. just last night, i ran into no less than 4 of them in the span of the 16-minute round trip journey to the hospital. yes, i digress. anyway, where does that leave the little necessities like eating, drinking and sleeping... and most of all, the need to soak in as much of newcastle as i can before i leave it?

sydney will be new and exciting, but it'll also mean starting all over again. as much as i need this change of scenery, i'm unamused about this whole pulling-out-the-roots business. "oh, it must be so exciting for you to have lived in all those countries!" people tend to gush. i can't understand how it would excite anyone when faced with the prospect of fashioning a new life for oneself every couple of years - losing touch with friends, habits, haunts, laughs. family is in there somewhere but after all these years, i'm used to ... well, not having them physically around.

apologies for being antisocial of late and for neglecting my usual rounds of blog strolling. i'm still stuck in the dungeons with inertia to keep me company. that, and the latest blasted fanfic link i clicked on. idiot child.

shite, has a little snaperism rubbed off on me? or maybe it was the pavlova. merlin's beard, i think i might go sick up now. *winks at anj*

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