a complex complex

before i start my babble, pics from taiwan and singapore are at my flickr.

just let me babble. i'm not looking for words of comfort or anything. the thought of physically talking this through with a meatspace friend makes me sick. writing it down's the next best thing and hopefully, the more times i go through the mess in my head, the more sense i can make of it. let me be and trust that i'll sort this through in my own way and in my own time.

psychiatry really messes up one's mind... or maybe it was because i've somehow ended up with a mind that was more susceptible to psychiatric influences, hmmm. whatever the case may be, i've done one week of psych and i already feel like one of my patients. mind you, psych diagnoses are subjective because if you really think about it, nobody's normal per se. how can anyone really define the limits of normal? if such limits were placed, let's say on intelligence.. then genius and idiots are both abnormal and hence need psychiatric help?

my mood of late could be described as depressed. my affect resides in the vicinity of flat. i get teary sometimes for no apparent reason... sometimes as soon as i open my mouth to talk to someone. one'd think that i would've been ecstatic to see old friends whilst in singapore. don't get me wrong, i was glad to see them but there was no familiar lub-dub i would've had during prior visits. it's this fear of raising expectations to find disappointment later on i think. thank you, med school. thank you for teaching me to aim low.

my appearance is decent i guess.. i'm not stepping outta the house disheveled yet but behavior may be described as largely normal save bursts of impulsiveness - was bored, was cold and impulsively went out to splurge over a hundred bucks on a heater for the living room. before that, i planned my trip so i'd get back less than 24hrs before first day of rotation. i never never do things like this.. i always exercise caution and leave myself at least a weekend to recover from a major trip or event. this time, i thought to hell with it.

thought content and processes are normal, but then again.. what exactly is normal? insight's present and judgement is intact, i suppose. you'll have to tell me otherwise. appetite's there.. increased if anything. sleep's fine - i still sleep like a log. suicidality is minimal with fleeting thoughts of "i could so easily cut myself with this knife. i wonder what it would feel like to slit a wrist" while chopping up veggies or something but they disappear as soon as they materialize in my mind. ever since the starting date issue, i've been feeling down, staring into a bleak latter half of the year. nothing seems worth doing and feelings of worthlessness pay a visit now and then. all in all though, i'm far from dsm-iv criteria for depression of any sort though i'm curious to see if taking an antidepressant will make any difference.

while in both taiwan and singapore, people have been asking if i ever get lonely living alone in an apartment better suited for a family rather than a lone person, in a foreign country away from family. i tell them i enjoy my own personal space. i like coming home to my fluffy rug and to the large expanse of a living room, to be greeted by panoramic views of the hills and the ocean beyond. i don't necessarily need to surround myself with roommates or comany all the time to get by. what i do want is to belong. i want to belong, to find my niche and some sort of stability along with it. i want to belong at school, at work and most of all, in lfe because right now, i don't know where the hell i'm at.

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