3.16.2007

woe, begone



kent rogowski, a photographer currently based in brooklyn, is about to release his first book simply titled bears. as much as i'd like to claim credit, all the purdy pix in this post come from the official bears website.

me, a med student currently based in newcastle, is about to ...i don't know. that's the problem. i feel exactly like that little yellow guy up there. i mean exactly. there's a feeling of displacement in the midst of this current streak of calm. i half expect the sky to come crashing down any minute, chicken little style. i feel all wrong... i'm constantly munching on something, from fruits to stir-fried noodles to chocolate and yet i'm still hungry. i get mysterious bug bites that only announce themselves a day later and outstay their welcome by weeks. my place is as messy as that teddy bear workshop. everytime i find the energy to clean up, the mess creeps back not thirty minutes later. i also think i've got some memory loss and lack of coordination - must've lost some of that stuffing when they were turning me inside out. heck, even the color matches. he's a yellow teddy with white stuffing, i'm a yellow person who has been bleached white on the inside to the point where i get asianphobia if i'm walking around alone in places like chinatown. actually, the whole of george street for that matter.

it's this aimless wandering of both mind and body through each rotation that's really getting to me i think. almost 3 rotations down, 4 more to go. gone are the days when we actually had some teaching. gone are the days when one could pretend to teach oneself in the company of a study buddy. what we're meant to do now is pretty much play the game of being seen but not heard. we're meant to play the game by their rules... the answer continuously changes, even if you have it down in print, so that it will always suit their needs. never ours. and yes, my visa's still not processed. i paid $7.70 for the frickin' express post envelope dammit. why the hell hasn't immigration recieved the results of my blood tests and such yet? *grinds teeth* negnohl, i hope you have better news with your visa or else i'm up for a perma-vacation to rant&raveland and am extending an open invite.

bleah. can see this turning into a long-winded rant heading towards nowhere. i guess what i'm trying to say is that i'm frustrated with being stuck in a limbo, to not know what the immediate future holds and worse, to have little control over it. yes, i'm a control freak. what's just as frustrating is that i've resorted to cooking and baking as a vent instead of something else more productive. for goodness sakes, i've got a week's worth of lunches sitting pretty in my fridge just from the past couple days of cooking. i can't eat to keep up. i feel like the stereotypical housewife, cooped up at home waiting for the stereotypical kids (a boy and a girl you know. that's a must) to come home from school. i'm beginning to understand why some of them go streotypically astray and seek the thrill of an affair. on second thought, mebbe i'm going through my second quarter-life crisis =(

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