12.03.2006

stagnant

this is gonna be one of those entries that don't make sense and i'm trying to work out my thoughts as i type. you've been warned.

i wouldn't have expected to find myself feeling that a weekend was too long to get through. it's sunday afternoon and what am i doing? sitting here in my mess of a room watching episodes of grey's anatomy season 3. i would've expected to have a grand ol' time with a quiet afternoon to go through an entire season of grey's ... or to start from season 1 but strangely enough, i already feel sick after watching 3 episodes in a row. i mean, it could be the lack of food. haven't eaten anything all day and couldn't even manage to finish a box of arnott's premier chunky triple chocolate cookies. that would usually be devoured within the hour or two. i'm not hungry tho. there's an emptiness somewhere here *points to somewhere under my sternum* it kinda hurts in dull non-specific sorta way. i don't know why =( i'm such a cristina in that regards.

the ordeal seems to be over. i was told to go relax this weekend, that i should be fine but to call the prof back after the exam board officializes the results on tuesday. i should be relieved, no? i should be out there celebrating but i think it's been a pyrrhic victory. yes, i consolidated way more obgyn knowledge than i could ever have imagined, or wanted to. i finally got around to putting away all the notes and scribbles i've made these past 9 weeks at 3am in the morning just because there was nothing else to do. i didn't feel like cleaning up the rest of my room and i didn't feel tired or sleepy. most of all, there was nothing to do on sunday. my usual timesinks aren't appealing ~ ebay, thinkgeek, random flash games and mmorpgs. kinda screams geek, i know. i prefer the term nerdette. half the time, i end up having a shopping cart full of knick knacks and then closing the page but even window shopping online's not enough to make this blandness go away.

ever since the obgyn saga began with the release of results back in june, i've been trying to diagnose myself with depression but i don't fulfill all the official criteria. i can't even squeeze into the depressive disorder category. i merely get random days or a few moments here and there where things take a turn for the worse. tears get dried, something else needs to get done and all's well until the next time something hits too close to home or i come across another trigger. maybe this is the drama queen in me checking in.. i just don't feel as happy as i think i'm supposed to. instead, i've learnt not only oodles of obgyn but to also distrust people until i see it with my own eyes.. or until i crash and burn. like i said.. a donut of a victory.

and now, summer break's begun. all i want to do is to find a new place so i can start packing up and moving. i don't know why i'm in such a rush. there's a place i really want to see, but the broker's been a bit of a ditz. hasn't called back when she promised and the works. thought to give her some time and didn't call on friday like i was dying to. tenant's vacating premises tomorrow so i thought monday wasn't too unreasonable to call instead. i can't wait for monday. that's all i'm thinkin about now, especially after surveying the market and paraphernalia required for equipping a new pad with A yesterday.

i hate inactivity. i hate having nothing to do. i don't noe if i like being busy and run off my feet for the adrenaline rush and endorphins or if it's my way of running away from something i haven't quite yet figured out. lectures usually bore me ~ i sit there with nothing to do and by the time 20 mins is up, so is my attention span. 20 minutes is my max, as very unprofessionally measured since junior high days at buckley. i've got proof in the back cover of my spanish text as i scribbled down "20 mins more!! =(" to a friend at the time. i'm usually falling asleep by then if i'm not shoving my mouth full of twix bars and gummy snakes.

*sigh* seems like i'm never happy with what i've got eh?

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