do you know what i know?

i know it's not quite december yet but if the shopping center decor's anything to go by, christmas started in august after the massive end-of-the-financial-year sales. sooo.. it's ok to start the barrage of carols =) *starts humming*

for some odd reason, that particular song's been stuck in my head. been working on the xmas card exchange thingie for a few of the rbj people who've signed up too. i miss making a mess of my room and myself, burning myself with the glue gun and walking around oblivious to glitter that people point out two days later. never been good as a doodler.. never knew what to doodle! i don't know what you'd call this little finger itch of mine i periodically get. i wouldn't term it as craftsy. the closest thing i can come up with would be urm.. 3D-doodling? tonight's session was good =) not as therapeutic as it could've been because even tho exams are over, i still feel the weight of what-ifs hanging around. tummy's still in knots even though i know fully well it won't change a thing.

bleah. here i am, happily glowing from knowing that i've finished the exchange cards that nobody else can see until the recipients get 'em... happily glowing from knowing that i'm pretty sure A will like, or at least one aspect of her x'mas prezzie i got a few months back and anticipating smiles from both of the above (i hope!)... yet i wonder if i'm the only one with a sly grin. today's the day after the exams. results should be known by now, even if they haven't been collated. i wonder if the Prof's been sitting in his office today also happily glowing from knowing that i'll like what he knows regarding my exam results too. man, i sure hope so.



 forgive my corniness...  can't help but exuberantly exclaim that the nightmare's ova ova ova!! .....for now. *plays jaws music* =P even with the last i'll be seeing of obgyn (fingers crossed), there had to be a parting shot or two. just so that obgyn will forever be memorable. you know, because it's a specialty that i'll all too easily forget about. ahhuh. 

so the osces were today. thank goodness for little miracles. the official osce roster was uploaded last tuesday after verbal confirmation the friday before. i double checked arrival times last night, only to find that my name had magically decided to migrate to a different page altogether. not even a stray pixel could be seen. instead of showing up at 1pm, i was supposed to be showing up at 10.30am. thank you dear department secretary FOR LETTING ME KNOW. seriously, you can only imagine the awful situation had i shown up at 1pm today. "sorry dear, i'm afraid we're going to have to fail you again because we can't set up another round of osces just for one student and it was your fault for not checking the roster" ooh, that would've been a jolly sight for everyone present. you would've seen me scrunch up my face into something much more foul than draco malfoy's sneer at mudbloods.

apparently, the secretary said she had sent out 2 emails, one asking for a confirmatory reply indicating i agreed to the time swap. she had apparently called and left a message on my answering machine. "oh but it's on the computer upstairs. it'll tell you the time i sent it and the time the email was received. and i've called your phone before and gotten through so it must've been the right number i called" she explained. bullshit. too tired to call her bluff. i felt like saying
"look lady, i would have needed to click some sort of confirmation of receipt for you to know that i received your emails, let alone the time of receipt. how the hell would you know when i received your emails when i haven't received them? as for the phone calls, you forget that this happened during the appeals fiasco when you claimed you left msgs on my answering machine that i never got, let alone any indication of missed calls on my cell yet you have the gall to sit there and tell me it's my fault?!"

assuming it was my fault. i'll be nice here lady. assuming that you were oh so competent and did all that you claim to have.. how can you just assume i've received and agreed to the time swap, especially when you hadn't received any sort of communication or confirmation from me when the clock struck knocking-off time the day before the exams? really... no, i mean really. how the hell do you do your job?

*deep breaths, deep breaths..*

exam board meets on tuesday to finalize results. will get unofficial word via email by the end of the week as to whether i'll be needing to deal with the airhead again. if it comes to that, she'll be the least of my worries. anyway, the exams are over and done with. nothing much to do except hope that i didn't screw up! thank you for all the torrents of well-wishes and good luck in all their forms ~ they're all being put to good use! =)


weekend worrywart

instead of cramming my head full of images of uterine prolapses and bloody obstetric emergencies, the thing that's at the top of my worry list as the weekend approaches would be my french onion soup. you heard right.. my homemade soup. it bubbled. after i took it outta the microwave, after it cooled down... the vat of soup was making awful glug sounds much akin to that of your nearest swampy bog. on its own, undisturbed.

i was so disturbingly fascinated i had to plop it down on the kitchen counter and just watch it. wouldn't have been surprised if like a mini Creature from the Black Lagoon slowly slopped its way out or something. half an hour later, it's still emitting little glug glub sounds on it's own every so often.

another worry that shouldn't yet be a worry would be apartment hunting. already lined up a few places to see the morning after exams ~ can't wait!

on a more sober note, i found out yesterday that a friend i've never met.. one that lived across the the pacific... he died at the age of 23 three weeks ago. found dead in his dad's house from diabetic complications. i didn't really ask for details but even just that one line of "related to his diabetes" curdled my stomach into a tight knot. i had last heard from him by email not even 3 months ago. i'm not saying that i'm some important person who needs to know the matters of the world, but it's slightly unnerving to realize that i was carryng on with my daily activities that day he died, alone. it made his life.. and his death seem so inconsequential in a way and that bit saddens me. what also makes the knot in my tummy tighter would be knowing that he passed away alone. "he was found dead" i was told. what an awful way to go.

i'm assuming things here but if it was a diabetes related death, i'm thinking along the lines of him going into DKA, diabetic ketoacidosis. he's 23, he likes his alcohol now and then, he hasn't had the easiest of times.... but still, he's had to control his diabetic condition and despite numerous previous episodes of drunken binges and such, he was still fine. it made it all the much worse, that this one time of carelessness became something fatal, if that was the case. i just sat there thinking "if only someone had been there!" when our mutual friend broke the news. i guess it's pompous of me but i couldn't help but think "if only *i* had been there" (as if that would've been much good.. at least i would've been able to call 911). and then the next thought was "but i haven't even got the chance to visit yet!!" followed by "but it was such a preventable thing!" such was my train of thought, selfish as it may be with fulfilling me first

"he's in a better place" i was told.. and i do believe that. i know that i get to see the cycle of life and death at the hospitals and this is yet another instance of it all. i just can't believe he's gone just like that. the silver lining is that the group of friends he grew up with.. my bears, have reconciled their recent differences and this has brought them back together, if only temporarily. it's nice to hear that all of them spent the night after the funeral "living it up in A's name, for he would've liked that". rest in peace, zavebi... i'm sorry to hear you had to go and i hope you know that i'm not the only one that misses you. rest in peace.


war of the worlds meets dune

i remember first picking up that thick first volume of the Dune series when it was still a trilogy with trepidation. All these weird terms, all those worms and spice traders.. those scary blue eyes and the Fremen... i remember being slowly drawn into those foreign sandy worlds and in my mind, i had imagined myself as an omnipresent being partaking in the adventures outlined in black and white. i had hidden behind various pillars and shadows as consipiracies were plotted. i had looked up at the vast orange desert sky and pulled my robes tighter around me as night settled in. i loved the set *gush*

many years later, i can't decide if someone had merged our world with that of the books or whether it was just plain the end of the world with the fire and brimstone as predicted. i'm half expecting showers of flaming rocks to fall or another helping of hail. same thing really.

i first picked up the unmistable scent of something burning but had thought it was some idiot at the bbqs who forgot they were cooking a meal. then i heard the wind pick up and started to silently will the skies to stay continent.. to hold back the hailstones. the wind didn't subside nor did the smokey air clear so i drew back my curtains and was greeted with this.

dunescapecous cous bake

it's not everyday you see an orange landscape! i had forgotten about my dinner that wasn't chocolate (for once!) and had started to splutter and cough by then, wondering if this was how i was gonna die and if someone was gonna declare the cause of death as smoke inhalation. and then my mind started to wander and of all the things, backdraft sprung into mind. not scenes of the firefighters battling the blazes in the blue mountains....

my poor little hepa air filter was working overtime and it still couldn't get rid of the choking smell. i called up A for some moral support as one does when one is convinced one's gonna suffocate to death you know... and what a brilliant idea she had! i couldn't stop grinning myself silly as i recalled how i much i scoffed and protested at being sent a stack of N95 masks by my gramps a few years ago during the SARS scare. hehehe, thank you gramps! i'll eat my words, lol. those masks do work and tho i felt like an idiot walking around the room in it, it kept me from coughing and spluttering like an antique car.

in the meantime, i tried to flip on the tv for some news flash regarding the situation here but all that was on was the bold and the beautiful. you can see 'em in the tv behind me *sigh* over the top..so i sat around snapping pictures instead, trying to catch the awesome fork lighting that was zapping some poor unfortunate piece of grass faraway. after a while, things turned really odd... the wind died down and everything suddenly cleared. the sky turned really bright...
and then i saw it. i thought it was the sun. a glowing ball of red. red i tell you. i kid you not. admittedly, we're on summer time and it's still plausable that the sun doesn't set til 6 or 7pm but this was like brightness you'd expect at 2pm, not 6.30pm. the red sphere was creepily mesmerizing and had it been a shade of purple, it would've been slightly dejavu-ish ofthat scene when the purple people eater came to earth. i tried to capture it but couldn't figure out the settings to do it properly. the photo turned out grainy if i captured the red sun that A correctly pointed out to be the moon. you'll have to use your imaginations on this one and convert the white glowing ball of light into a disco red sphere ya?
reversed moon
all's back to normal and it literally is the calm before the storm. means back to trying to study for next week's exams i guess. argh. there's still the eerie orange glow left over as a reminder of the thunderstorm warning issued for our area tonight. *crosses fingers there won't be hailstones for my chooq's sake*


because imma bratty only child...

this is for all those times i couldn't come up with an example of why i get so frustrated when i have an interrogation conversation with my dad. how do you break the news to someone that you're no longer five fricking years old and you no longer are daddy's girl?

i know it's mean but for my own sake, i need to document it down so i can refer back to this later and recall how frustrated i get when i talk to him. it'll also be a reminder of what a bitch i was and act as fuel for future regrets of not spending enough time with him or not taking the time to sort things thru.

anyway. so, he calls up... "helloo ay-mee!" he says in the same singsong voice he greeted my 6 year old cousin with when he walked outta the arrival gates at the airport. wtf.
*grumbles a hi*
"so how's the studying going? do you feel like you've prepared much better than last time? more time to consolidate and understand things this time around?"
"no" i flatly say somewhere between his barrage of questions.
meanwhile, he's still continuing on from "...this time around? yes righ- ...huh?? no?? you don't feel more prepared than last time??"

and he leaves it at that and begins to ask me what i have for breakfast. "it varies" i say. "well you need to eat warm stuff for breakfast you know. things like oatmeal is good. do you eat oatmeal?" "no" "you have to eat breakfast, it's the most important meal of the day!" "i noooooooeeeeeeeee" i'm gnashing my teeth at this point.

"so has your mom called you?" he continues, either ignoring my irate tone of voice or completely oblivious to it..

forgive me for getting on my soapbox that's resting on my high horse. i hate pointless questions. i really don't care who's asking them. could be the dalai lama for all i care but i'll still maintain that pointless questions are a waste of breath. what good was that question about if my mom called or not? what, is he gonna call up my mom to chastise her for not calling me if i had said no? and when i said yes, what was he gonna do... call up my mom and acknowledge she called? will she get a congrats for doing so? if any of you could see the point in that question besides fishing for stuff to say and prolonging the torture, do point it out to me. i seem to have missed the point.

i mean seriously. it's bad enough he's answering his own questions. it's worse when he assumes answers on my behalf. yes, it's mean but i give a flat out monosyllable "no" for the shock value and to close any door leading to any further conversation. really. i don't want to talk to someone who's got the convo all planned out in their head and merrily assumes my answers until they're halted in mid-delusion because they didn't hear what they expected to hear.

*sigh* couldn't help myself. had to gripe. thank goodness for this rant-sponge. if anyone has any ideas or counsellors to recommend for bettering a father-daughter relationship that's as murky as the one i'm in.. i'm imploring you in all earnestness to please drop me a line.


and the clock struck twelve

a frenzied week culminating with med ball, one of farewells, surprises and last minute dashes. a very bad state to be in with a bit over a week more til those dreaded exams but i wouldn't have missed this week for the world.. especially seeing that this was also the last week of obgyn.

mebbe that saying about birds of a feather flocking together is true ~ none of my friends have been able to quite put a finger to the emotions grumbling about within us. an effervescent mixture of bubbly happiness and elation at the fact that they're now all doctors with an occassional glimpse of something dark lurking about in the shadowy depths at the back of our minds. of course there's also the bittersweet aftertaste of realizing that this was it, that some of these people we've spent the past 5 years with will never again be part of our lives for various reasons.

yet, there were no tears last night at med ball. there nearly were but i blame the alcohol for that. especially when the offender with her glistening teary eyes perked up not five seconds later at some new idea that popped into her head and she was bouncing around, all smiles again. i surprised even myself, for i was expecting tears. in a way, it was a pleasant surprise to realize how strong some of the bonds actually are - so strong that there was never a doubt of ever losing contact even when the bond needed to be stretched interstate. you are talking to a veteran of major upheavals and painful uprootings, so to harbor such a strong conviction of remaining in touch is something major.. at least that's how i see it.
grad ball 2006 @ town hall
sadly, you must remember that this is the world of amy you've peeked into and there's bound to be a few hiccups in store. never mind that i was driving on the wrong side of the street for a couple tens of meters on our way home. never mind that i missed a turn on a route i've driven a million times before. never mind that my pooh bear got hurled a foot or two out of the car as someone got out and brought about squeals of horror. never mind that i gawked at a long-time friend of mine for at least 10 seconds trying to place her because she showed up with her hair straightened. (no, only half a glass of champagne was involved). i think the cherry on top would have to be the random breath testing as we got pulled over on the way home. what luck! of all the times, it had to be the night of the ball. the night where i've actually been drinking. hmph, really now. *glares at lady luck* been driving for 3.5 years and this would be the second RBT i've ever had.. the first would've been 3 months ago and that in itself was a fiasco because i had no clue i was suppsed to stop and where i was supposed to stop. the police had to literally chase my car, yelling and waving arms in their attempt to stop me.

so anyway, the random breath test. it definitely didn't help when i couldn't remember when i last finished my champagne, nor when someone volunteered that my last drink was half and hour ago and the rest of the backseat girls burst out into giggly protests. i could feel myself slinking down in the drivers' seat and the cop was looking very bemused when he asked me to count to ten. i hate counting to ten. feels like an idiot counting into some machine. i feel guilty of having raised blood alcohol levels even when i know i definitely don't. much like how i feel guilty for leaving a shop without buying anything whilst carrying large bags from other shops and hallucinate accusing stares from the salesgirls of shoplifting or something, especially when they ask to check the bags. is this the onset of some paranoid psychiatric disorder i'm developing? *shrug* will let you know in a few years' time =)


sew, a needle pulling thread

after numerous episodes of self-harm of the sewing needle type, i'm nearly set with a dress i tried making. closest i've come to making any article of clothing would be the mini clothes hangers i twisted outta spare lengths of wire left over from an archi friend's model-making supply stash. having no clue where to start and armed with awesome pictures showing the dress in all sorts of angles from the webshop, i was using myself as a measuring tape, wrapping the yards of purple-grey velvet 'round me to guesstimate measurements. 'twas the best i could do before putting in the stitches. it eventually got taken to a tailor's for some ...straightening up but!!! i finished the rest off by weaving in the straps and all so i've been pretty happy with my own handiwork. do excuse the apparent humbleness =P

as usual, i digress. i had wanted to type out that "doe, a deer, a female deer" song from the sound of music as an excuse to post a pic of the dress when it came to "sew, a needle pulling thread" but the thought of finding an original picture from my digicam stash for each note quickly chased that notion outta the emptiness of my mind. funny thing, sewing is. very therapeutic, i must say. especially when one knows exams are looming and paperwork needs to be done...

anyway, decided to see if i could come up with a slightly updated version of the do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti-do song... the trouble with being too nonchalant about exams i s'pose. i still don't know what the hell i'm doing or where i'm headed towards regarding this semester. walkin' down a familiar road blindfolded, with pebbles disturbed from their previous places providing the occasional jolt and near-misses of tripping over. that's what this semester has felt like.. anyway, the song, the song! here it is =)

d'oh, the sound a simpson makes
rey, a so.cal m'rina town
mee, a yummy noodle lunch
fa, lung gong, a chinese cult?
sow, is what a farmer does
lah, a word from singapore
tee, a very cute jap boy
that will bring us back to d'oh!