gone, mental

sorry for the long absence
sorry for the silence
sorry for the undue worries, but
i need to regain some balance.

sorry for the ups and downs
sorry for your time
sorry for your willingness
to help clean up my grime.

sorry for my lack of voice
sorry for being irate
sorry for the breaking,
the breaking of your faith.

sorry for never answering
sorry for being withdrawn
sorry for another leave to
get over things foregone.

too tired to write. not sure when the next entry will be. everything is still up in the air at the moment. for those who know my academic track record, it's dejavu. again. yes, again. bloody [insert random expletives to fill in the next 5 minutes] rotation. the worst part is i don't know what else i could've done to help things. i've had all the support they were offering, and more. what they're proposing tomorrow at my meeting is exactly what has been tried and done this past semester. personally, i don't see how that's supposed to change the outcome at the end of the year when it hasn't helped this time around.

stunned. at the preliminary verdict
shocked. that things could go so wrong sans warning
dazed. at my current predicament
confused. by the mumbo jumbo
pissed off. that they say they understand
helpless. because i've already tried my best
peeved. that they remain unreachable 4hrs later
disappointed. at the Prof who isn't here .
sorry. to those who believed .
incredulous. at the dejavu .
embarrased. that some once believed
apologetic. that i've let people down
cycling through, .
cycling through my head... .

laksh brought up a really good point, one i'd like to bring up at a later date with the faculty. mebbe at graduation. after i get my certificate would be wiser... but anyway, she reminded me that we have this "interactional skills session" called "breaking bad news" in the cirriculum. the faculty goes on and on about empathy, about the touchie feelies. well where did they vamoose to when it came to their own students? where did this "we'll email them if it's bad news and not email them at all if it's good news" attitude come from? to make matters worse, let's email them in the middle of the day when they're supposed to be in class so when they find out the piece of bad news, they have absolutely nobody to turn to because office staff disappear by 11am. loads of empathy, sympathy and people skills there aye? amen girl... thanks for the latest thing to add to that list of "things gone wrong with our faculty"

i'm grateful for those who still stick around to see where my journeys go, to keep me company. friends are good like that. =) be warned that i don't want sympathy though. turns me into a puffy-eyed goldfish drowning in my own puddles of water. i just need a space to vent, to regroup and rearrange thoughts rather than faces. yes, there are more important things to life than academics but i do need that frickin expensive piece of paper to let me through some of the doors of "more important things in life" and for now, it's pretty high on my list of priorities.

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