7.23.2006

don't you dare

don't you dare tell me how to plan my life.
don't you dare tell me exams are proof of mettle.
don't you dare ask me what others will think
do you really believe this will help me settle?

who are you, this voice over the phone?
who are you, to assume you know me at all.
who are you, to preach your past to me?
do you really believe you're my crutch when i fall?

you wouldn't dare dream that i managed despite struggles.
you wouldn't dare accept you're ne'er my leading man.
you wouldn't dare admit you can't help me no more.
you've tried too hard and clung on too long...
now please let go of my discharge plan.


7.21.2006

retrograde eclipses and steadfast enlightenment

here it is. my application for review of results. drafted, printed and handed over to the university just two days ago. i'd be more than happy for you to scrutinize it and boost my confidence by telling me that i've made a convincing arguement lol.

with that simple gesture of passing the stack of papers over the counter to some anonymous stranger came the symbolic gesture of handing my fate to some anonymous entity that's supposedly enjoying playtime with us insignificant life forms.

with that innocuous motion of bestowing the stack of papers to one none the wiser of their importance came the letting go of the past few weeks' hell and dissipating some of the tension caused by being in limbo.

am still disappointed at a lot of things, but 'tis a matter of the pot calling the kettle black. i haven't been the exemplary specimen of perfection lately either. i've been seeking refuge in the dark corners of solitude, being occasionally drawn to the few rainbows popping up in the middle of clearing rain. i realize that many have come and left umbrellas at the entrance of my lonely cave in the meantime, just in case. just in case i decide to emerge. for that, i truly thank you guys for being there despite myself not being there.

'tis time to move on, to drive those shadows away methinks. in 42 days' time tops, i'll know the course of my fate. i'll know if i need to drown in the horrors of the bloody rotation again or continue swimming towards the beckoning shores of internship.

in an attempt to find the me that once was, here's a baby step. i've always taken great pride in upholding a personal mantra of "a promise made is a promise kept" ~ among others i need to attend to, here's one. my promise to onigiriman made an embarrassingly long time ago.

Once you've been tagged, you have to write a blog with 8 facts/things/habits about yourself, saying who tagged you. In the end you need to choose the 6 people to be tagged and list their names. No tag backs.

as usual, please feel free to share your own set of 8 but i won't be naming names. K, contrary to Pari's prediction, you lucked out =P well, here goes.

ichi ~
i was told i was a pink freak as a kid. "everything you owned had to be pink. even your undies" my mom would tsk. growing up, i've veered towards blues and blacks but have been known to surprise in various shades of orange, purple, green and red. i've also started becoming partial to pink again o.0

ni ~
the first boy i slept with, i met at a YMCA camp. i was four, he was five. naptime was our favorite time... everyone else slept on the gym mat covered by their blankie. i'd lay my blankie over the mats while he'd bring his blankie over and we'd hide under it, talking away the hour of naptime. last i heard, his whole family moved to new zealand and he's grown up to be quite a hunk over the years.

san ~
i bite my nails
. disgusting habit, yes i know. i had always been a nail biter as a kid. managed to quell the habit sometime in elementary school. at a time when one felt extremely worldly and knowledgeable as the oldest kids in school, i wondered what the deal with nailbiting was. stared at those little 3rd and 4th graders, i did. i pondered so much, i decided to chomp on a nail to find out for myself... and with that fatal chomp as a 6th grader, i was sadly hooked again.

si ~
when i was 6, i almost got kidnapped in a supermarket. grocery shopping bored me - my mom never agreed to put all the snacks and candy i wanted in the shopping cart anyway. we eventually worked out a system where i'd squat by the book corner and read til my parents were done with their shopping. they'd periodically swing by to make sure i was still there and not tasting the grapes in the produce section or anything like that. young couple in jean outfit stopped behind me once, i overheard something about "take her" and then they began to argue. i bolted as soon as i saw 'em glancing at me and facing my direction out of the corner of my eye, realizing i was the subject of their arguement. it didn't help i was in a matching jean outfit of my own.. i ran bawling into my dad and later pointed out the couple to my parents at the seafood section. Canoga Park Ralphs peoples.. Canoga Park Ralphs. don't ever leave your kids unattended if you're there. my story wasn't the first of its kind...

goh ~
i had parents who believed in spankings and such as disciplinary measures. lo and behold, i survived the corporal punishments! been pinched til i bruised, been hit on the hand with hangers and whatever was within reach until i bled, had my ears yanked and twisted, been slapped and more. some people may argue that it was child abuse but truthfully, i'm not sorry on hindsight that i went through it. would have otherwise turned out to be a some prissy spoilted brat today.

loku ~
i told my mom i wanted to be a doctor when i was four. by eight, i was sure i wanted to be a pediatrician ~ my own pediatrician inspired me. by 19, i was sure no other degree interested me except for medicine and architecture. the latter seemed too subjective a course, so that left medicine. by 20, i was sure i wanted to do pediatric reconstructions of body parts. by 24, i was sure i wanted to be a pediatric surgeon. we'll see what happens in the next couple of years =)

sichi ~
my brain and my heart are constantly in battle
. emotions usually begin a journey but rationalizing things usually end my tendencies to stop and smell the roses. the longest crush i've had on someone lasted 13 years, more than half of which were spent pointing out to myself that i was being unrealistic and nostalgic. 'nuf said =P

hachi ~
morbid as it sounds, if i were to die here and now, i'd leave this world contented. i have everything i could ever want and more. i've seen what i want to see, am happy with what i've done so far and delude myself that i haven't brought too much grief into the lives of too many people... anything more is a bonus.

kyu ~
i'm a self-confessed, unrepentant chocoholic. it's gotten to the point where i need some form of chocolate each day to function... urgh!!

juu ~
this one goes without saying. i'm as stubborn as a bull. typical taurean through and through... i think out of the all the signs/planets and stuff they use in astrology, the majority of mine fall under taurus. all those traits you read in horoscopes and astrology sites about taureans? the majority of the mumbo jumbo actually rings true for me, even from sources that are more specific than your usual "you will meet with good fortune today" spiels.

7.04.2006

gone, mental

sorry for the long absence
sorry for the silence
sorry for the undue worries, but
i need to regain some balance.

sorry for the ups and downs
sorry for your time
sorry for your willingness
to help clean up my grime.

sorry for my lack of voice
sorry for being irate
sorry for the breaking,
the breaking of your faith.

sorry for never answering
sorry for being withdrawn
sorry for another leave to
get over things foregone.

too tired to write. not sure when the next entry will be. everything is still up in the air at the moment. for those who know my academic track record, it's dejavu. again. yes, again. bloody [insert random expletives to fill in the next 5 minutes] rotation. the worst part is i don't know what else i could've done to help things. i've had all the support they were offering, and more. what they're proposing tomorrow at my meeting is exactly what has been tried and done this past semester. personally, i don't see how that's supposed to change the outcome at the end of the year when it hasn't helped this time around.

stunned. at the preliminary verdict
shocked. that things could go so wrong sans warning
dazed. at my current predicament
confused. by the mumbo jumbo
pissed off. that they say they understand
helpless. because i've already tried my best
peeved. that they remain unreachable 4hrs later
disappointed. at the Prof who isn't here .
sorry. to those who believed .
incredulous. at the dejavu .
embarrased. that some once believed
apologetic. that i've let people down
cycling through, .
cycling through my head... .

laksh brought up a really good point, one i'd like to bring up at a later date with the faculty. mebbe at graduation. after i get my certificate would be wiser... but anyway, she reminded me that we have this "interactional skills session" called "breaking bad news" in the cirriculum. the faculty goes on and on about empathy, about the touchie feelies. well where did they vamoose to when it came to their own students? where did this "we'll email them if it's bad news and not email them at all if it's good news" attitude come from? to make matters worse, let's email them in the middle of the day when they're supposed to be in class so when they find out the piece of bad news, they have absolutely nobody to turn to because office staff disappear by 11am. loads of empathy, sympathy and people skills there aye? amen girl... thanks for the latest thing to add to that list of "things gone wrong with our faculty"

i'm grateful for those who still stick around to see where my journeys go, to keep me company. friends are good like that. =) be warned that i don't want sympathy though. turns me into a puffy-eyed goldfish drowning in my own puddles of water. i just need a space to vent, to regroup and rearrange thoughts rather than faces. yes, there are more important things to life than academics but i do need that frickin expensive piece of paper to let me through some of the doors of "more important things in life" and for now, it's pretty high on my list of priorities.