1.20.2006

introspecting

a skype call with my mom this afternoon got me thinking...
she wanted me to email my aunt to "show my concern" whatever that meant. i guess we have different levels of caring, different definitions.

is it too callous of me to not want to email my aunt, so she can wander around her personal space without being accosted every week about how she's feeling? i heard from her after she had her first chemo session. i heard her msg on the answering machine last week. her next chemo session's not due for another week. what else is there to ask about in terms of new developments?

to my mom, i'm not caring enough. i'm supposed to show my care and concern during my aunt's darkest moments. she needs to be cheered up, she needs the support, my mom insists. (don't tell me who to email and why, dammit. write your own emails, make your own phone calls! yells the me with the teenage angst.)

to me, i'm invading someone else's private space. had my aunt wanted to involve me in her battle, in her chemo sessions and everything else, she would've indicated. i don't want to turn naggy. then again, i wonder if the real reason deep down is my fear of turning into my mom.

a comment by a friend last night got me thinking...
rgs girls seem to lack eq.
maybe i'm fulfilling a self-fulfilling prophecy. maybe i'm heading towards a downward spiral. the more i think, the more confused i get - not just with the whole "email ur aunt" issue, but everything emotional in general. the fact that i'm questioning whether my eq's lacking kinda highlights the fact that it can't be too high, no? *scrunches forehead into a mess of wrinkles*

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