the wrong side of bed

lately, it seems like i've copped another round of this so-called pms that isn't. i feel strangled, cornered and suffocated. worse the mr giraffey (who is keeping baby D company *beams*)

suffocating with thoughts of blood and screaming kids swirling in my head at the end of each day... that's what going through the multitudes of "scenarios" in obs/gyn and pediatrics can do to you. they all start out with "a 28 year old lady presents with bleeding..." or "you are an intern at ED and gets called to see a 18-month old baby boy who's just arrived, screaming..."

bloody hell, i want to scream too...
my state of mind, the state of my room.. it's worse than that mess that i was back at P's sleepover. if you were here, you'd be giving me worse looks than N was giving me.

at this point in time, i'm sitting here mechanically reading things that aren't registering. i'm mindlessly scribbling things that aren't legible. i'm seeing things that aren't there. i'm not seeing things that are there.

i can't wait til the exams are over. i'm oversaturated with useless bits of random nonsense. i'm undersaturated with knowledge that will prevent me from killing future patients. despite knowing that we all statistically will kill 1.7 people in our first year out, having that piece of knowledge isn't very reassuring.

will someone please live the next two weeks for me... please?

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