6.25.2005

muted

a collection of random musings really. some are directed at certain people, others are just plain random. sorry if i scare anyone, i just really needed to vent. i had my icq and msn lists open. i couldn't click on anyone in particular, not because i didn't feel comfortable but because i felt it unfair to unload my troubles onto an unsuspecting friend. so here it is instead, set loose on nobody and everybody.

remember how you laughed when i said i don't go through pms? you were right to laugh, i think i do now. maybe it's just a culmination of everything that's been happening since the end of last year. maybe the dam i've built is starting to crack only now.

i really want you to be happy. seeing you miserable makes me miserable, yet i don't like prying. if there's something you feel like sharing, i'll let you share it when you feel the time's right. in the meantime, i hope you know that i'm here. i wish we could do our mini get-away again... to be free of academic shadows and roam the streets of sydney with a gleam in our eyes, to shop, to marvel, to sail with the dolphins, to gush over random guys, to be absolutely ditzy and feel free ~

you surprised me with your reaction when you found out about the monster. i thought it was kinda sweet back then. how things have changed.. you ask me why. i'll tell you why. i wish i could tell you this in person. you've become the very monster you vowed to bash up all those years ago. no, you're much worse. the monster became but a faded nightmare. you, on the other hand, became my living nightmare. happy now?

i'm tired, i really am. i want to believe that things will end well. it's hard enough trying to do that for myself, yet i can't help but try to keep believing that things will end well for you too. i know you didn't ask for me to, i know you say you know better than to play this self-delusional game but it doesn't stop me from worrying about both our futures. it's depressing to hear you give up now... i miss that fighting spirit of yours.

friggin template's bugging the hell out of me. so is msn not working. it's averaging about 1 out of 20 msgs getting through. net fart, he calls it. glass ceiling, it feels like. guess you could say i lean towards the perfectionist. with how things are at the moment, i feel like just abandoning the whole thing and start anew. the problem is, i don't know if i have the energy to start again. everything is about starting over. i've pulled up my roots every time i leave a country. i've had to ditch my pride when i no longer met my own expectations. i've even lowered my expectations. i'm jealous of the girl i once was. i can't see the person i now am. as for the person i will be... i used to have a clear picture. there's nothing but smog i see instead.

so many people who care =) i love hearing about your adventures, i love hearing you gush about your latest crush. i love making you smile, i love your little quirks. i love the way we click, i love the shared laughs.
thank you, sincerely.. thank you. i don't want sympathy. i just want basic courtesy and respect. i just want people who matter to me to be happy. that'll do the trick =)

i dont need help, i really don't. it's easy to say i might be suffering from depression but that's not it. i haven't been depressed for the past 2 weeks or more, i haven't lost interest in things. i don't suffer from weight loss or insomnia. i've never felt worthless, but i question why i'm here sometimes. i don't have a suicide plan, but i've contemplated various ways to die before.. especially before exams, especially during study groups. i have problems with thought form more than content ~ i'm prone to flight of ideas and word salads. i've also got skeletons in my closet that i want to throw away, but i never seem to have the courage to open the closet door. i don't quite feel like atlas per se, just the atlas that holds up my world.

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